Bad Romance

Lady GaGa, Shadow Work, & Strengthening my Femininity

Initially when I started to share my writing, I hoped to create a sub section about songs that came with divine messages. Unexpected pop songs that you would never voluntarily press play on but are obliged to listen to when in public lol. I would find very random songs and then string them together with occurrences/curiosities in my life.

I sort of let go of this idea until the other morning when the first words I uttered out of my mouth were “ra ra ooo lala”.

Later when I got in my uber for a shoot, the song was playing again. That evening when I got home, my partner was randomly singing “ra ra ooo lala”.

It was my cue to dive deeper.

The music video currently has 1.6 Billion views. The comments are still flowing.

I played it twice when I was running at the gym. The first time was more exciting, the second time felt like I was inching into some old feelings that I haven’t resolved from 17.

Success, I had an emotional reaction / guidance for self study lol.

In 2010 Bad Romance was a song that my friends could get down with. It was different from the usual instrumental electronic deep house I’d try and make them listen to. There were lyrics and the video was just iconic. The synths reminded me of a Steve Aoki song, it was so good. Also the line “cause I’m a free bitch baby.”

I thought about some moments from 17 that were pivotal, like my friendships, moving out of my childhood home, my unbelievably gross cop neighbor, etc. Nothing truly clicked so I continued researching by watching an interview of Lady Gaga. From what I remember, she said the little monsters are sort of like her deepest shadow self.

On my depression walk with my friend yesterday I told her about the dream I had with a subdued lioness, disconnected from her instinct. My friend suggested that it might have to do with my Leo moon and emotions from being a teenager.

I will admit, it feels very challenging to go back in time and unveil the little monsters of my teenage self. My Ayurvedic counselor once told me that the wrinkle in between my brows has to do with being unable to express my anger.

So much anger.

When I was a teenager, I felt most out of control in my femininity. The lioness in my dream was so cute, but couldn’t even smell fresh meat or food around the corner. She had to wait to be fed, never taking power over her circumstances despite being a full on lionness.

I guess what feels so good about Bad Romance, is that everything is out. Gaga really goes there with the lyrics. “I want your ugly…your psycho…I want your disease”.

I would certainly agree that being even slightly out of touch with my femininity and instinct is a disease.

Sometimes I try to put my back to patriarchy, disillusion myself into believing that I do have whatever power I desire but …it’s really challenging. My femininity sometimes doesn’t feel as ugly, like in the way nature can sometimes be, or chaotic, or powerful as I’d like it to be.

I continued to follow the rabbit hole of my thoughts to eventually find info about this magician / escape artist on YouTube, Dorothy Dietrtich. One of her wildest tricks is catching a bullet in her mouth. Yes a gun was shot directly at her through a glass and the trick involved catching the bullet… in her mouth. On her site it says 12 men have died trying this act, and Houdini backed away from the stunt. I watched some of her other acts, where she escapes from a straight jacket hung in the air by a rope that’s on fire (all things she insisted). She gracefully is let down after freeing herself from the jacket ending with a pose. I felt like I was watching a physical manifestation/ performance piece of someone leaning into their instinct, and bamboozling patriarchy.

What does finding strength in my femininity really look like? What kind of escape artist do I want to be in order to access my powerful femininity? How can I embody the boldness of a lioness and do it not only in a timely manner but with a pose in the end lol.

Thankfully I have some poses to choose from after taking my first vogue class by Legendary Monster ( incredible instructor and of course the name was a synchronized with Gaga!!). Vogueing really felt like the medicine I needed to strengthen my femininity, even though I could barely keep up hehe. Also just being able to learn how to vogue in NYC, knowing the history brings me so much queer healing.

I feel like I have more answers about what medicine I really need to connect back with my wild instinct. I’m still figuring out how to do that, but for now I printed out pictures of lionesses on pink paper and taped them everywhere on my wall. Instead of trying to approach this new unlocked layer of needs with an intense discipline of healing, I’m imagining the lioness telling me that I’m perfectly fine just as I am.

Sometimes simply acknowledging how I feel is all that I have to do. I don’t need to immediately perfect what I know needs tending to. I can just let the answers flow to me, and find a nice pose while I’m doing it.

A few days ago if I heard Bad Romance, I would walk away without thinking anything, but now I am reformed.

“Walk walk fashion baby” OK I’LL STOP NOW lolol

BIG HUGS AND ONE ROAR,

Jakari Wing

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venmo: @jakariwing

ps donate if you can and let me know what you think about this letter :)

pss tell me what finding strength looks like for you! only looking for chaotic answers hehe.

pss if you are by chance near UC Berkeley, my experimental short film Dear River is screening on April 7th 6-9PM at Piram Pyala (the cup of love) hosted by Jakara Org, RSVP here. I will be there in spirit.