big bad wolf

musings on anger and self discovery

Personified my anger is like that one scene in Harry Potter, where he’s under the invisible cloak in the library looking for a book. Picks one out, accidentally opens to a person screaming, immediately closes the book and shoves into the shelf.

That’s how I learned to express and store my anger. In disguise and in some dusty internal library.

It takes me 2 weeks to adjust when I’m back in NY from my hometown. Two weeks for the feelings to subside, for my body to ease into comfort. Two weeks for the hives to relax, two weeks for my anger to find direction.

The worst part about feeling so much anger, is not knowing exactly where it’s coming from. Well I guess I partially know it has some combo involving my upbringing, racism, being a middle child, mysogny, homophobia… hmmmm I wonder where it is coming fRoM????

The first time I had an Ayurvedic counselor look at my face she pointed out the line in between my eyebrows.

‘That is from unexpressed anger from childhood, now effecting your liver. ‘

A few years ago I spoke to two energy healers / past life regression therapists.

‘Your liver is where you store anger. Tend to that.’

Currently I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’ve had years of unexpressed anger stored deep in my body because I can feel it.

Despite trying to massage the line in between my brows, my anger stays there reminding me of my need to clear it.

The last few days I’ve been tricking my body into calming down through scents like sandalwood and rose. I’ve gotten massages, and taken herbs to soothe my mind. Amped up my time on the mat. But now I feel sick. None of the anger will subside unless released.

During my yoga this morning, I thought why don’t I sit in a position like a child does. You know where they’re on the ground pounding and screaming.

Didn’t do much expect maybe frighten my neighbors.

I read in this book that our unexpressed anger as children is also unexpressed individuality.

“It’s often a good sign when overly responsible, anxious or depressed people begin to be consciously aware of feeling angry. It indicates that their true self is coming to the fore and that they’re beginning to care about themselves.” Lindsay S. Gibson

Another quote I liked…

“When you’re going through a breakdown, a good question to ask is what is actually breaking down. We usually think it’s our self. But what’s typically happening is that our struggle to deny our emotional truth is breaking down. Emotional distress is a signal that it’s getting harder to remain emotionally unconscious. It means we’re about to discover our true selves underneath.”

I witnessed one of my nephews running around the house, his feet sturdy on the ground and his hands clenched. His head slightly upward. The roaring in his little body sounded like it was coming from his chest. He did this a lot and it really made me feel something.

He was playing with the other nibblings and offered to be the big bad wolf during playtime.

What does it feel like to volunteer being the villain? To own the anger in the plot?

This reminded me of a friend who told me she hoped to be casted only as a villain on screen.

What if I want to be the bad guy? Be the villain, be the problem, be the reason all is wrong.

I did a writing exercise with my nibbling who’s 12, I would share her story but don’t want to pressure her into being featured in my newsletter lol. Anyhow the story was about this terrible kid, who was the worst kid in the country. He was ready to knock some other kid’s ice cream out but turns out the other kid was the worst kid in the entire WORLD and instead smashed the ice cream in his face. He was surprised and excited, together they were kind of the absolute worst.

It’s really addicting being angry in community with others.

There must be a healthy way to express my anger where I’m not hurting myself or those around me. A lot of my anger stems from a learned process. Shoving it away and only acknowledging it when my body signals for help.

But what if I want to be a baddie?

I’m ending by sharing some video moments where I felt anger was directed towards self discovery.

First, doja cat riding this character in her video ‘paint the town red’. Her anger looks like it’s giving doja the ride of her life. I live for the wind blowing in her hair in this scene.

The witches of Eastwick seducing their narcissist one… last… time. (peep Cher in the middle).

Elle Woods not only becoming a whole ass lawyer after her ex humiliated her but then winning a case while defending her pilates instructor ALL after her professor made a move on her.

And that’s all that pops up in my head for now folks.

The end.

With love!!

Jakari Wing

PS. Happy New Moon - peep my new moon print shop

PSS. A tea blend I made for easing through my anger