Hello loves! This is my last letter of the year. Before I get into it, I just want to thank you all SO much for being here. I really hope this letter finds you in good spirits. Enjoy reading and also don’t forget to scroll to the end where you can find beautiful creative projects I worked on during the end of this year! XOXO ok, inhale, exhale, let’s begin…
When I was an undergraduate student about 10 years ago, I remember a shift happening during my 2nd year. I was meditating in my bedroom for the first time on my own. Feeling an instant high from connecting with my body, I reached for my phone after opening my eyes and broke up with my boyfriend.
I didn’t need him, I had my own inner sanctuary that I could depend on.
Another thing I changed after that meditation was my major.
At that time, my parents didn’t think it made sense for me to go to college if I didn’t study biology. I really thought I might be stupid because no matter how hard I studied, no matter how long I spent staring at my bio book, nothing seemed to stick. I lied to my parents that I chose to leave the major, but in reality I was kicked out because I wasn’t meeting the minimum grades. I later found out that the school deliberately failed 70% of the bio students that were admitted because the major was at capacity.
So I switched to political science and a minor in film & media studies.
It wasn’t easy telling my parents. Years later I thought I could make a joke about failing a bio class, at my Thiya Ji’s 70th. I could feel their embarrassment through the clicking of utensils and gulps of wine.
My first class was an intro to film. I didn’t expect that I’d be learning about how cinema played a pivotal role in the nation building of India. Bollywood would make Hindi a national language after 1947 and also India a competitive market with Russian, American and French national cinemas. The idea was- the stronger the cinema, the stronger the nation.
It made sense to me why my dad rarely let us watch Bollywood. Despite the catchy songs, and elaborate numbers where an imperialistic agenda was at play. I thought maybe my family would be proud that I was learning or unlearning something they could never explain to me in words.
Or the time I went up to my political science professor and told him I was surprised he knew what the Khalsa movement was.
Wouldn’t my family be so excited that I was learning at least a little bit about the constant injustices and misunderstandings they faced?
I would never be close to their little bio degree graduate. I would never fulfill the expectations and roles they decided for me before birth.
Did I mention I’m a middle child.
When I look back at who I was, I know there were very few routes I could have taken to own my authentic path. I couldn’t just sprinkle versions of her into me when I needed. My authentic self needed more attention and space to flourish, thrive and exist.
I learned later why my parents were so heavy on me for not fulfilling medicine, I was able to even uncover why my mom preached to me about becoming a nurse, literally this continued up until a few years ago.
Biology, medicine, etc were the reasons why my dad’s family didn’t have to depend on land anymore as their means of stability. The land that they owned continued to become smaller. After they experienced losing their home in 1947 and then again in the 60s, they wanted an end to this. My dad had an uncle who was in medicine that later inspired him and his brother. Biology, medicine etc would be how they found their way forward.
And how we would eventually set down roots in the US.
I have often times felt guilty for not giving my parents exactly what they wanted in a daughter, but I would never take back who I am for that path. It has taken them years to unlearn that my output as a working human being has nothing to do with whether I’m a good person or not. Years for them to understand that their shortcomings could not be fulfilled by or projected onto me.
They often tell me that they are proud of me now, but it’s hard to believe.
I did a few meditations uncovering a vision that was so powerful in it’s message. A door, behind stood lines of people. Wet bags, boxes tied together. A snake moving slithering through them all. The decider of my fate.
I guess this was what left over trauma looks like huh, I chuckled to my guide. These energies, spirits etc waiting behind the door overwhelmed me. But I know their healing is tied to my healing and I have no time to waste on feeling guilty over not fulfilling dreams that are not mine to begin with.
Which leads me to something I’ve been feeling really hesitant but certain in addressing within myself, forgiveness.
There is no shortcut to forgiveness.
Forgiveness, like guilt should be handled with care, and firmness.
I read a chapter from “women who run with the wolves” on the boundaries of rage and forgiveness. Estes reminded me of “old rage”.
“When someone has trouble letting go of anger or rage, it’s often because they are using the rage to empower themselves. While that may have been wisdom at the beginning, now they must be careful, for ongoing rage is a fire that burns their own primary energy.”
There is a system in forgiveness that we have to unpack before finally getting to the peace at the end of a lesson. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we just forget our grievances. My rage deserves to be heard, my rage also deserves boundaries and trust building that I will be protect moving forward. So then I can move ease fully into a head space of forgiveness.
“How does one know if she [he/they] has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstances instead of rage…You tend to have nothing left to remember to say about it all. You understand the suffering that drove the offense to begin with….You are not waiting for anything. You are not wanting anything.”
So then, forgiveness becomes an opportunity to call back your power and energy.
There was a special night where my partner and I sat with a few seasoned lesbians who grew up in a different time than us.
I really put my parents through a lot I said, after sharing a bit about my journey.
Before I could even finish this sentence they all responded in unison. “NO you are perfect the way you are.”
I responded with honestly one of the most gratitude filled thank you’s of the year.
#HEALED. JK
But no really, if you’ve been thinking about going on a journey of forgiveness, please consider doing it for yourself. Not for anyone else but you.
That’s all I want to leave you with for 2023.
Thank you for being here on this journey with me.
With love and deep gratitude,
Jakari Wing
PS happy full moon
PSS if you’ve loved reading my letter please share! or consider donating if you can :) ❤️ venmo: @jakariwing
Creative Corner
I wanted to end by sharing some really exciting projects that I worked on the last few months. First off I shot on 120mm for the first time, of my friend Riya. Isn’t she divine?! The shoot was called “arrival”. I also took some digital images which are the ones in color.
I directed and edited this video portrait below titled “estrellita” by an insanely talented violinist I spontaneously met in WSQ Park named Kaya. Fun fact, Kaya got to play with one of Mozart’s violins!
And finally, yes I’m on YouTube and might regret sharing this, but I did a really fun cover of Bobby McGee and it just put me in such a good mood. Enjoy!
thank u for sharing your journey, i've been feeling like I've been having a push and pull with forgiving myself lately and this really helped. thank u for sharing ur work tooo!!! <3 looking forward to seeing/reading more this new year