What’s meant for you, will always find its way to you.
Good or bad.
Here’s a little story about my name - Jakari Wing.
It all started 4 years ago in a ceramic class in the Bronx.
The class was for beginners, but not like a ceramic class based in BK with a $275 per class fee. It was more affordable and because of that there were little quirks. Like my classmates ranging from ages 6 to 50. Or our teacher being a talented sculptor with 0 interest to teach.
The class was nearing its end, the teacher’s spirits were lighter than usual.
We were instructed to create an animal.
I decided that my animal would be both ethereal and realistic. We started with a piece of clay that smelled of holy dirt. I molded and molded until a little donkey appeared. Then a unicorn horn, wings, and finally a spiral tail indicating his celestial nature.
“Jakari Wing” I blurted out. This was the name of my little she/him creation.
I painted him green, the energetic color that represents the heart. And wahlaahh Jakari Wing.
I didn’t care what the teacher said, nothing would change my mind about this beautiful creature.
Donkey for intuition, patience and perseverance.
Unicorn horn for connection to the divine
Alien tail for otherworldy-ness.
And wings for flight through time and space
So then I did the most dramatic thing anyone would do to indicate a name change.
I updated my instagram handle.
So long jpedestrian, I am now Jakari Wing.
At this point I was not out to my parents, and I thought I might find more privacy online. It would be easier to hide and express my true nature. No one could find me from my past, I was REBORN!
Except there was one little problem. I was REBORN, but in the same world.
The same world where the spirit of Jakari Wing would fly me backwards.
I’m reading “High-Risk Homosexual” right now by Edgar Gomez. There’s a very brave story where Gomez boldy tells a high school theater acquaintance “I’m gay”.
No straight person will ever know the density of sweat that comes out of the pores when those words are uttered.
I felt that sweat from my forehead on a car ride home with my parents 5 years ago. Except I had buzzed hair, was slumped in the backseat and in my mid 20s having what felt like a teenage crises.
A few months prior, my dad was texting me images of suitors on WhatsApp. One of them still etched in my memory, the photo of him plunged me into a nightmare. So I did the most sensible thing, I claimed authority on my body and shaved my hair.
Eventually I grew more comfortable, and the hair started to grow. My parents started to accept me, and all was good. I brought my partner to my hometown and I hid Jakari Wing. I prayed my parents would never find my name and I continued.
I innocently shared online a catalogue of photos that represented “home” and a caption that went like this:
“I’m learning abut the way my mind unlocks memory. I moved out of my little home town when I was 18. A part of me stays frozen in time here. A part of me blossoms, a part of me mourns, a part of me dances and a part of me laughs uncontrollably.
This time, the memories are especially vibrant and harmonious.
Stepping on the same stones I once climbed as a baby, running my hands through rivers I once jumped in. Tracings of fools gold left on my sandals. Igneous rock peaking out of the wet dirt. Two lane windy roads, one neon moon lighting the way, and infinite love by my side.”
This was pretty sentimental and victorious right? Finally. I felt at home.
I didn’t know it at the time but I would be taught a powerful lesson on claiming what was rightfully mine. Protecting my energy and being unapologetic about it.
An auntie found my page, my precious disguise, and exposed me like the igneous quartz rock I mentioned. Alas my roommate was more than a roommate.
At first it was a shock to my body, knowing that someone could still make me feel like a helpless teen, policed by everyone including the literal officer next door. My sense of trust was shattered, I guess moving away 14 years ago never meant that I actually processed the way I was monitored and controlled. Not because my parents were especially strict, but because people in the town loved to talk. I can’t imagine now with technology how I would have survived this. There would be footage!
I eventually got it out from my dad, which auntie it was. Someone who I couldn’t even put a face to, BECAUSE I HAD NEVER MET HER. This felt way too familiar.
Deep in the night I found her and I threw her in a pool and then slashed her tires.
Ok I didn’t do any of that. Jakari Wing talked me out of it.
Jakari Wing looked me in my eyes and told me that this was a part of it. That she was merely a pawn in the lesson I needed to learn.
I’m so over being bitter about this moment so I’m sort of astounded my bravery in choosing love, yet again.
The fact is, I brought Jakari Wing into this world without proper breathing exercises or visualizations that helped draw energetic bounds. STRONG energetic bounds that could withstand evil aunties who deserved to be baptized in water, cleansed and punished for their scarcity mindsets.
It’s funny how the little world my parents created out of protection became a scary world for me. I could be on the internet and share to all these strangers, but when it came to those who knew me in their world, I was terrified.
So a part of creating an anonymous name was supposed to protect me, until it didn’t. Until what was meant to be hidden was open. How shocked this auntie was when she realized I had already been open with my parents. It was never her place to share that info.
How silly of her to think she could come in between me and my parents.
How interesting that this all happened when I claimed my comfort and safety.
Just as I finished, this song came on, so I end with this. The Devil Is Loose.
XX
JAKARI WING
PS I sprinkled images of Donyalle Luna, Asha Puthli and Donna Summers because it felt easier to edit seeing these icons expressing themselves lol.
PSS thank you for reading <3 <3
PSSS I mentioned a habit tracking class in my last post, I’m going to postpone so stay tuned to my IG for updates @jakariwing