Releasing pieces of my hair into the river
I woke up to the sound of a tree being cut down outside of my apartment.
I didn’t need to look to know what was happening. I could hear the branches being pushed into a machine, the tree was now dust.
I also woke up to a few hives on my face and arms. This has been a reoccurring mystery pointing to my allergies.
Am I really allergic to some foods, or am I just so anxious that it puts my body into a stressful state? Either way I had to take a Benadryl last night, my throat felt like it was closing. It’s been 6 years since I’ve been trying to figure this out, whenever this happens I almost feel like all those years of healing don’t count.
I decided this morning that I’d get a deep tissue foot massage. I felt relaxed after 15 minutes. I looked to my right where I saw a large painting of two trees, their roots entangled, their branches kissing. I left a bigger tip than usual and shared what little enthusiasm I had in me “ Happy New Year”. The lady at the front smiled through her mask.
On my way home I decided to investigate the tree that had just been cut down. There was a motorbike parked right next to the stump. It was small, in the shape of a flower with water surrounding it.
I’ve seen plenty of trees cut before. Used to never think too much about it. But now I know that trees have spirits within them. I wonder if they get sad, or if that’s just a projection.
I wonder if they trees more accepting of life and the changes we constantly endure.
I cut my hair in the bathroom the night before, this was my first time getting a hair cut in 7 months. I felt like it hurt. I don’t know how to explain it. I put my hair in a can and tried lighting it on fire. It smelled SO bad. I put the fire out stuffing my cut hair into a bag.
The bag is sitting near my door, I decided to put it in the river, that was all I could think of while my feet were being rubbed lol. Sometimes I have dreams where my hair is really long, and uncut. I don’t always recognize the trauma surrounding my hair but I know it runs deep.
I listened to a podcast, the first one I could find about guilt. Apparently guilt is one of those tricky mind games where you have to put a stop to the thoughts. Set a boundary with your own self.
I never thought to do that, build a boundary with my own thoughts.
I realize that there’s something physical in my body that manifests when I allow guilt to overcome me, perhaps my allergic reactions.
I’m thinking about the lunar new year, mental health, rabbits and trees.
When I was in college and felt lonely, I would sit under a tree. A very big tree and close my eyes. One time I awoke and found that I was surrounded by bunnies. It was a miracle. It was soft and sweet.
This is how I want to feel whenever guilt comes knocking on my brain’s door. Soft and sweet. Grounded under a tree knowing that I have what it takes to fill my thoughts with peace no matter how guilty I might be made to feel.
venmo: @ jakariwing
P.S. the following day after I wrote this, I had the best day ever. I released my hair into the river and then danced in the park. My gynecologist wouldn’t see me because I was very late, but that transpired into a wonderful day of shopping for herbs, spotting 3 red-tailed hawks (!!! yes three!!!), buying a regal vintage hat, drinking hot coco, talking to a friend about spirits and banging my head in a sweaty crowd of people yelling “somos chulas, no somos pendejas”. Life is weird, life is beautiful.
P.S.S. I added some really wonderful prints to my print shop (featured above and below). <3 and I updated my director’s reel (this is something I wasn’t planning on telling anyone, but I edited it on capcut via my phone lol!)
P.S.S.S in honor of seeing downtown boys last night, I’m sharing one of my favorite music videos.
P.S.S.S.S. Last one, but I want to express how grateful I am for everyone that opens my newsletter. I really appreciate that you are here and hope to connect more with you! Please don’t be shy and leave a comment :)
Okie bye! Till next time.