you make me want to plan out my last days on earth…

catching up with an ex, finding peace in my past

Unexpectedly on the night of the libra full moon I received a text from an ex lover. One who knew me throughout my teenage years and early 20s, one who I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years.

I was really happy to hear from him, excited about what we might discover through a phone call.

The convo was sweet, a little longer than I expected but enriching. I took a bath after, and truthfully have been a wreck since the call (lol), feeling like I traveled years deep into the past. Feeling intimidated by the fact that I’m now responsible for the dreams I once wrote down at 20.

I really have prided myself in being so emotional vulnerable, being bold in my ability to dive deep in myself and learn about who I am. But there was once a time where my Aquarius heart was numb to it all. Only focused on forward moving growth. I wonder what else has been hidden in my heart’s vibration.

Melanie Martinez’s song Light Showers, has held me in tears this week. In her words, the song is about “a place in the afterlife people under hypnosis describe as a soul cleansing or shower of light. A place where gem-colored rays of light shine through every inch of your soul, cleansing your spirit of trauma it had experienced during your last lifetime. Restoring you to your original vibration.”

This song is exciting, the way it makes me feel. My ex had known me through a traumatic passing I witnessed, one that I’ve opened up to but not really heard or felt seen in via song. The song feels like something you would sing at a eulogy, I hope it reaches far into my psyche to the parts of myself that are afraid to let go.

It also brought to light the compassion, confusion, misguided & pure love I had in my early 20s. Where did it go when my relationship ended? I changed SO much in my 20s. Complete 180s and 360s, tossing and turning myself to eventually finding a version that I felt authentic in, then tossing it again because what is identity anyways?

It’s still insane to me that caterpillars turn into butterflies. How? Do they have body dysmorphia? Are they anxious when they take flight? What happens when they see a shell from their past?

I wonder what must’ve had to happen in order for me and my ex to fall in the places we are in life, to connect and share honest sentimental feelings over a phone call.

I went on IG where I saw a post by @fariha_roisin, “40 Things I wish I’d known at 40”. Number 13 stood out to me.

13. “That if you risk all for love and it doesn’t work out, there is no failure because all love stories are, in truth, hero tales. And no growth of the heart is a waste. Ever.”

I also liked

31. “That willpower is built by doing difficult things. So do more difficult things (Daily.)”

Maybe there’s a reason almost all of my footage from that time period disappeared. In hard drives, in old cameras all stolen. The only things that remain are a few letters, photos on Facebook, and broken links to YouTube songs (except for this one and this one).

My mom called me when I was sitting under my favorite ginkgo tree watching the new growth on the branches.

I sat to feel a sense of grounding reminding myself of a DM i received from a friend “trust what you learned from Saturn and move through it”.

I didn’t realize that time could be so powerful. Feeling winded from hearing a voice that was once so familiar.

My mom advised that “its ok to go in the past, but be careful it will hurt your body”. I see now how she has tried to twist and turn wisdom in order to rescue me out of any pain I feel. I accept her love more and more, complicated but motherly in the way she fiercely protects me. Coincidentally the day before I had the call she mailed me frozen paronthas, I cried while eating them feeling her love from afar (thank you mom for nourishing me).

In moving through all the motions I realized something. One, that my first bad habit is intellectualizing my emotions before I can let myself feel them. So when I’m ready to feel my body goes into panic rushing towards anything that will push me away from hosting the feeling. Two, that writing is such a helpful tool to connect my mind with my body. It’s unbelievable how many times I’ve found grounding again through simply writing (aka journaling is incredible).

I met with my current partner’s dad a few days later and processed with him lol. He told me that he also met with an ex, hadn’t seen her in 11 years. She left with box of mangoes he brought over from Jackson Heights.

Currently I’m in the midst of cleaning out my closet. This time around instead of just getting rid of everything, I’m making room for what feels sentimental.

I took out boxes, shuffled through scarves and jackets that are all now lying on the rug. It’s a mess and you know what I LOVE IT.

I reached far into my closet to find a journal I kept throughout my 20s, looking for an entry I wrote about my ex.

I found some wisdom from my 22 year old self, about how powerful love is. “You cannot find yourself by going into the past, but by going into the present.” hehe

I flipped through more pages, ones where I wrote eloquently about my ancestors, fleeting hook ups, buzzing my hair, challenges with my identity, magical encounters, deep love in friendships and trips on shrooms, trips to india, paris, lisbon, my home in california etc.

Reading through my highs and lows. Knowing with absolute certainty that I’ve challenged myself and self reflected to the best of my ability, all to meet a version of myself from 10 years ago through a phone call.

Another song I’ve had on repeat is Fly to You by Caroline Polachek (feat Grimes & Dido)

Dido’s part “driving through the dark, lost but i’m free, i’m looking for something, that nobody else can see”.

It’s been such a ride. If there’s anything i’m walking away with, it’s that feeling through my feelings is never a bad thing. I’ll let them take whatever direction they desire ( been channeling this through writing songs). I especially will not judge the ways I created space for me to feel safe, or at peace.

My brother reminded me of how cringe it can be to look back on who we once were. Yes certainly cringe, but had it not been for all those versions of myself, I would not be here at all. I would not have chased life or invested so deeply in my interest, beliefs, values, TRUTH. I would not be planning out every day on earth like it’s my last. I’m living for this adventure that we all share on earth together (especially now that we’ve experienced 88 degree weather in NYC lol). What kind of love took place in order to catalyze this much change in me?

I feel a lot less winded now. I feel like I’m moving through the motions of mourning the dreams, disappointments. I’m redirecting the love back into myself (sounds much easier said than done but it does actually happen // is a life long journey). I feel grounded and certain that there is so much more for me to come. Astounded by the ways we can change and transform. Excited for the next version of myself, also nervous whether she will like me hehe.

I hope you’re not afraid when old feelings unearth themselves. Trust that your body will know what to do. Let the mind relax a little lol and maybe don’t reach out to your ex if you’re not ready but if you are, I hope you find a piece of yourself that’s been waiting to be seen hehehe.

In all your different forms. I love you!

HUGS,

JAKARI WING

latest work

venmo: @jakariwing

PS THANK U SO MUCH FOR READING THIS & SEEING ME😩

PSS songs i listened to that helped me move through the feelings (lmao yes the range is usher to toro y moi to sza).

PSSS i heard the climb being performed at the 42nd stop (times square). lol it truly is about the journey, i love how simple life can be sometimes 😁

CREDITS: photos on 35MM (2011-2013) by me